The Divorce Coach shows you a way to Miracle Communication that works.

Isn’t it amazing how easily misunderstood we are on a daily basis. Have you ever felt that its like you have spoken in Swahili as people around you get the wrong end of the stick because they simply haven’t heard what are really saying? In every family, relationship and organisation on a daily basis, people get upset and offended; feel blamed or judged because everything and anything is open to misinterpretation. You only have to look at two different newspapers reporting the same story to get a completely different angle on what has allegedly been said by some politician or celebrity.

How does this happen and why has it been allowed to go on for so long without any of us being offered a cure for our clearly corrupt communication skills.

Now more than ever in our society we must learn how to create communication that allows us to listen so people will speak and speak so people will listen. With the pressures of millennium life, it’s all too easy to fly off the handle, react in the moment and as we have seen in our schools, even resort to violence. We must learn to communicate effectively and pass on our skills to everyone we are in relationship with. The good news is that the tools are very easy to learn, the challenge is in rewiring ourselves to use them.

I use these powerful communication tools with everyone I coach and we work on them week by week until they are second nature. The results speak for themselves.

One couple, Jill and Mark whom I work with individually to help them rebuild their marriage have changed their relationship in literally two weeks. They now listen to each other until they fully understand what the other means instead of making up what they think the other means. The respect and warmth returned virtually immediately, they were amazed with their results.

Shelley used the skills with her mother, (a challenge in itself), and discovered just how much her mother loved her. When she really heard this, Shelley was able to thank her mother for all she had done and let her know that her job was now complete and that Shelley was totally able to look after herself. (By the way Shelley is 39!).

If you want to use these skills yourself, begin by following the tips at the end of this newsletter and come to the Designer Relationship Workshop on Saturday 6th November 2004. I’ll be showing you exactly how to communicate with ease and you’ll have a chance to try it out for yourself. All the booking details are on the site. You may even like to have a one-off two-hour Miracle Communications Coaching session with me. Just contact me in the usual way.

In the meantime, I’d like you to hear Julia’s story and how using these skills have impacted her own relationships.

5 steps to Miracle Communication

First Level Listening. Notice how often you put your own interpretation on what somebody says to you. For example if your friend says “I don’t want to go to the cinema this evening”, does it mean that they don’t want to spend time with you? Notice how many times a day you decide what other people mean by what they say rather than really listening to what they have said.

Second Level Listening. Just listen to what the other person says. Make no judgements whatsoever. Acknowledge your understanding of what they have said – using our above example you may simply say “so you don’t want to go to the cinema this evening”. Even though it may sound like you are parroting them, they will actually feel heard and they’ll have the opportunity to expand on what they do want to do or why they don’t want to go to the cinema. This then opens up the conversation between you.

Listen for the emotion. Another way of listening at the second level is to listen for the emotion. Does the other person sound tired, irritated, pleased, cross, curious or surprised? Acknowledge the emotion by say “you sound tired” and then leave an opening for them to respond and take the conversation further. They will feel heard and know you are trying to understand them. Don’t worry if you get the emotion wrong, they will tell you how exactly how they feel and you can continue from there.

Do not attack, blame or judge the other person. If they say they don’t want to go to the cinema, don’t jump in with “typical of you, you never want to do anything”. Your friend’s ears will just fall off and he or she will not hear anything else you have to say

Don’t be a passive communicator. Once you understand and have clarified what the other person has said, go back with what you would like to have happen and start the process all over again. Relationships are not meant to be one-sided.

‘Paul’ came to Divorce Coaching at the beginning of his divorce. As we coached together, Paul was able to regain his sense of self, learn how to live make the transition into his new life and become an incredible father to his two girls. His journey was emotional and at times very challenging as he learned how to communicate effectively with his ex wife and discovered how to parent on his own. In 2004 he wrote this:

Yikes

The last few months have been very difficult. In January I decided to split with my wife after 16 years of marriage and 18 years together. Within two weeks of that decision I had moved out of the family home and was living in rented accommodation.

No decision in my life has been harder and I think the main reason for this was our two wonderful children. How could we ensure they came through this unscathed? At the time this seemed an impossible task.

Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional roller coaster that was to follow. They say that moving house, changing jobs and public speaking all bring about stress and upset, but for me none of these came even close to the trauma caused by separation.

Just before separating I had decided to seek out a life coach as my relationship had deteriorated badly, I was running a successful business but somehow did not feel fulfilled and my social life played second fiddle to my drive for business success.

I had heard Fiona Harrold talking on the radio and so looked at her web site, and chose Francine Kaye. As soon as I spoke to Francine I knew we would get on. She quickly understood the issues and I felt I had an ally to help me through.

Over the next three months in just 10 sessions I feel I have re-connected with myself. I have learnt to listen and understand far better, to have greater self-awareness, and most importantly to be true to myself.

Francine coached me to come up with my own solutions and she is not afraid to contribute suggestions, which I have found particularly helpful. At times it has not been easy, as I have been in a fog of confusion, but Francine has guided me and encouraged me along the way, helping me to clarify what I really want and then developing plans and strategies to achieve these goals.

Coaching is not about focusing on the past but about living in the present and determining what you want in the future. Francine has listened to me without judgment, understood me and encouraged me to make the decisions, which are right for me. It has been an incredibly difficult time that Francine has helped to make a whole lot easier. For me obtaining a divorce coach was a great decision.

How much time do you make for your relationship?

A report just published by the Office of National Statistics states that couples spend just 150 minutes together per day and 54 of those are spent watching TV. The new study of 6,500 households in the UK, underlined that most couples spend far more waking time apart than together. No wonder relationships breakdown before they even get going and the divorce rate is soaring. We just don’t spend enough time together.

Absence makes the heart grow colder

The Daily Mail reported that lack of time together was a factor in the recent separation of Brian and Kerry McFadden. With flourishing careers for both after Kerry’s appearance in I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here and Brian leaving Westlife to go solo, Max Clifford said “they have split up because they have been kept too far apart because of work. Its very sad, but you can’t conduct a relationship on a mobile phone”.

When England Captain, David Beckham moved to play in Spain, he and Victoria spent long periods apart. The result was reports of infidelity and problems.

Spending together time with our partners is incredibly important. Max Clifford is right; the telephone is great for making arrangements but not enough to maintain long-term relationships. Our time is the greatest gift we can give to people we love – it costs nothing and its value is priceless. So what’s going on – what gets in the way of us spending more time together?

No time to live

Some of the reasons couples tend to spend less time together is because they don’t just don’t share common interests. One likes sport the other loves gardening. Whilst it’s not necessary to share all your interests there must be certain things you enjoy doing together. Another reason is that long working hours eat into available social time. If you want to climb the ladder of success you have to put in the time. Without strong boundaries around this there is often only enough time left for a freezer meal and bed before you begin all over again. Then again, couples with children spend more of their available time as a family rather than as a couple. Children take up a lot of time and its not unusual for couples with children to spend the almost every waking hour concerned with their children’s needs. As it’s so easy for the demands of daily living to take precedence over being a couple, it’s vital that you communicate with each other to jointly determine ways to strengthen your relationship.

Looking at how to make time to spend with your partner is key in my relationship coaching and also features in our Designer Relationship Workshop on 6th November. (See the site for booking details).

Designing your Time

If you are a regular reader you’ll know that I have lived apart from my partner Gary for the past nine years. As we spend so much time apart, I wondered how our relationship measured up to the national statistics. Here’s what I discovered. We always spend each Thursday evening together from around 8pm till we go to bed around 12.30. That’s 4 ½ hours. We may watch an hour’s TV but no more than that. We spend Saturdays from 12.30 lunch time till around 1am entirely together, walking in Hampstead, having lunch or tea and spending our evenings mostly just chilling out – at least another 7 hours of waking time just the two of us. Other times are shared with family and friends but we manage to clock up around 11 to 12 solid together hours. Like every one else we work hard and have all kinds of commitments with our families. However in making our choice to live apart we knew we could easily lose track of each other, forgetting to share pieces of our daily lives and eventually drift apart. We decided that we must have regular time together and have maintained this consistently over the years. We jealously guard our time together, its precious, and it keeps our relationship strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us. If we can do it, then I know you can too.

My Time Together Tips will give you some fabulous suggestions on how you can make more time for each other and I’d also love to hear from you with your own strategies for spending time together or any comments you may wish to make on this subject.

5 Time Together Tips

Communication is key. Its not just about being in the same room, it’s about using time together to talk. Feelings about not being able to spend enough time together need to be shared. Even if it’s impossible to change the circumstances, it helps to know why and understand how each partner feels.

Plan time to be together. Some couples may even need to ‘pencil in’ times whilst others are able to be more spontaneous. Whichever you choose you must still put aside the time to do something that is enjoyable for both of you.

Time Out. If time is really short, even a short walk together will allow you to catch up with past week and talk about your dreams and plans. It’s a good idea to establish a regular routine of time together and keep it just for the two of you.

Re-evaluate. Look at your commitments and decide what is truly important to you. No one ever got to the end of their lives wishing they’d spent more time at the office – love and companionship is the best investment of time you will ever make.

Yes –v- No. Be careful what you say yes to and what you say no to. You only have so much time in your time bank. Every ‘no’ to one commitment means there is more time to spend together.