Here’s a question for you. If your spouse or partner asked you to consider an open marriage, one where both or either of you could have sex outside your relationship, would that be ok with you? Could you allow that?

I know you are now considering your answer, but that’s not really the point of my asking you this question. Whether you answered yes or no is completely your business and what works for one couple may not work for another. However, the point is that not many people actually do ask their spouses or partner for their consideration to consent to sex outside the relationship. Partners are rarely given the opportunity to agree or decline so when they discover their loved one’s affair, they are predictably inclined to add shock to all the other emotions that come crashing down on them.

So I have a simple answer to an age old problem. All this pain and anguish could be avoided if only you just asked you partner’s permission before you embarked on any ‘outside’ activity. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier for everyone? They will either say ‘yes’ (as if!) or ‘no’, and then you can decide whether to play by the rules or end the relationship. You see how simple it all is? Of course such an enquiry may lead to other questions, but I can promise that they will not be any worse than the questions you would suffer if you went behind their back.

You see I have it all worked out. That’s an expert for you. Someone who can cut through the dross and get to the truth of the matter. ‘Please can I have sex with someone else darling? ‘No’? Ok then. Let’s go to bed and have a cuddle’.

But it’s not as simple as that is it? Why? Because 99% of the time sex outside marriage is sadly a symptom of an ailing relationship. And who could possibly want to talk about that? We just don’t have the right words do we. And even if we did, they are so very hard to say. So the one who strays votes with their feet (and other things too). The one who strays deceitfully and inevitably opens the enquiry into the state of the relationship. The reasons for adultery are many and they are varied. And it’s the reasons that help us to understand what went wrong. This in no way excuses cheating behaviour because I can guarantee the outcome of that is always the same. If you forget to ask your partner if you can have sex with someone else and they ‘accidentally’ find out, someone and often many people will get hurt.

Today alone, I have coached three people in this situation, all with different ‘stories’ to tell. Sometimes infidelity heralds the beginning of the end of the relationship and sometimes its just the beginning of understanding what went wrong and discovering that you really want to put it right. And that’s where I step in to help out. So if it slipped your mind to find out what your partner thinks about you having your cake and eating someone else’s too - when the stuff hits the fan, just remember I did warn you.

The Divorce Doctor is currently offering a 20 minute free consultation. So if you want to find out if there is mileage left in your marriage or whether you need to travel down a different road, don’t struggle on your own or drive your friends mad. Just call to arrange a convenient time to talk so you can find the solution that works for you.

Call Francine on 0208 416 0121 or email

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 18th, 2007 at 12:46 pm and is filed under General.