It’s not ‘the season to be merry’ any more. The lawyers are calling me to help them with very angry men whose women have handed them their ‘resignation’ as wives. If you are an angry man (you know who you are), you are not alone. I have heard from three guys in the past few days who are sharing your shoes. I know you are hurting and if you are a more mature man, its doubly frustrating because you’ve probably worked hard most of your life to achieve the financial stability you have now and its not so easy to recoup the older you get. So I am going to tell it as it is because if I don’t you are all going to lose your shirts unecessarily.

The truth is that the courts are not interested in your feelings. Your wives will get ‘at least’ half of everything and there is nothing you can do about that - its the law. By being spiteful or difficult you are only wasting your own money so its you who will get less in the end. The worse you behave, the more your wife’s solicitors will respond and the higher the bills become. Once you really understand that this is the bottom line, however much you hate it and however much you cry that its not fair, the quicker you will have the choice whether to waste your own money by fighting or take your lawyer’s advice on what you are entitled to.

Lets get brutally honest here. Your wife wants a divorce at all costs, so even if you fight her, you are still the loser because you are losing her and there is nothing you can do about that. However by fighting her, you lose double. Not only have you lost your wife, you will also lose your hard earned money too. She is going to get half of whatever there is (no question about that) and if its less than she could have because you insist on making it difficult, then its the price she pays for leaving. She knows full well that you will fight her and that may be part of the reason she is leaving you. She now wants to be in control of her own life and realises that the money is the last vestige of control you have. However, I can tell you that she really doesnt care if she loses money as a result of you being difficult, because what she wants to lose most is you! So why not take my advice, stop the unnecessary fighting - because the courts dont care and actually neither does your wife. Retain your dignity and move forward. Ok, thats the ‘not so good news’.

Here’s the ‘much better news’. Some statistics say that there are currently 7 women to evey one man. I have yet to meet a man who has worked with me who hasn’t found himself in huge, enormous and incredible demand by women once he gets himself out there. You dont even have to have hair!! A good pulse will suffice. Joking aside, believe me. There is life after divorce. Don’t make divorce more painful than it has already been. Grab back your dignity with both hands and hold on to your money. You are going to need it for all those dinner dates, fabulous holidays and frivolous fun you’ll be out enjoying.

And, if you are just cant imagine that happening and you are out there struggling with this and trying to make sense of what happened and how it happened; give me a call and I will let you know exactly how to make this whole process a lot easier than you are making it right now.

Love to you

Francine

‘Designer Relationships’

In my role as a Relationship Recovery and Divorce Coach, I know that one of the main challenges for the newly single is navigating their way around new relationships. It’s a fact for 95% of us, that during or after your divorce or long-term relationship break-up, you will, at some point, become interested in the possibility of finding a new partner. However the first question you’ll need to ask yourself is “Am I really ready for a new relationship”?

In my experience coaching people to discover if they really are ready for a new relationship, I have discovered it is vital, without exception, that:
• You have dealt with your emotional issues surrounding your break-up
• You appreciate and respect yourself
• You know who you are and what you want
• You have a clear sense of why you want to be in relationship
• You believe you can love and be loved again
• You are able and willing to put in the work needed to create a committed and loving relationship.

Having answers to these questions is of paramount importance before you can even contemplate a new relationship. There is a difference between simply dating to have fun and make new friends and knowing you are ready for something more.

Designing Your New Relationship

Statistics show that 75% of divorced people remarry within 5 years. So what happens to the other 25%? They choose a different path. There are so many ways of designing your new relationship to fit in with how you want to run your new life. You will want to factor in children, if you have any, your work, your social life, your own time to follow your hobbies and passions as well as your time together with your new partner. When you understand what’s most important to you and what your own boundaries are, then you’ll begin to have an idea of how you want your new relationship to look. Designing a new relationship that is in alignment with your personal values is a radical act. It takes courage and great communication skills and absolutely everyone can do it. Start thinking out of the box. Ask yourself “if I could design my perfect relationship what would it look like?”

I asked myself this question before I met Gary, my partner of nearly 12 years. As a result I realised that I was very much in the 25% of people who wanted to do it differently. What I created for myself is the perfect relationship that fits in with my family and my lifestyle. You can do the same. One of the great things about starting again is that you get another bite of the cherry. Another opportunity to design your life the way you want it to be whatever that might look like for you. Throw away the rulebook; decide to create relationships that fit you, not the other way round. I did exactly that so I know that you can too. Take a moment to read my story from both sides of the fence, as Gary adds his own experience of the past 10 years.

Gary’s side

I had been divorced for 9months, when I met Francine. I had spent a lot of time alone coming to terms with my new life. I was ready to have a relationship again but I didn’t want to live with someone, let alone re-marry. I have two children then aged 8 and 12 and I wanted to give them stability. I thought, ‘they didn’t choose this and they’ve been thrust into it’ and also because their mother was remarrying, I wanted to give them their own space with me, without sharing that with another family. I have my own flat and have grown my relationship with my children. My daughter is free to come and stay with me whenever she wants - which is sometimes 3 or 4 times a week and when she comes home from uni. My son, now 22 and living away from home, still comes over a lot. They are comfortable here. I have a great balance. Its something that Francine and I have worked hard on over the years. It’s a joint decision. We both like our space and everyone gets their needs met. I think you need to be like-minded on this. We have our own time together every week and go on holiday together and we support and appreciate each other. I believe that we would probably have got divorced for the second time if we had got married, it would have been extra pressure because children change the situation, children play a great part. Now, when we do all get together there is no pressure, we just enjoy each other’s company. I think you need to know what your outcome is. You don’t move in with someone just to have a roof over your head and get your meals cooked. I don’t mind cooking and cleaning for myself. I certainly would not let Francine do my ironing! You have to decide what you want from a relationship. You’ve got to find yourself really, and once you’ve found yourself you can make a choice.

Francine’s side

When I met Gary I was beginning to enjoy my independence. Although I wanted to share my life, I was not willing to share my home. My home is a sanctuary for my children and myself and I relish the sheer delight of doing things my own way. So the relationship with Gary began and grew and it became obvious that both of us enjoyed our space and freedom and neither of us had any desire to cohabit or marry. However living apart whilst in a committed relationship requires work. Whilst each time we are together, I feel like I’m on a date, we need to communicate really well with honesty and regularity in order not to drift. There might be a tendency to withhold certain stuff because our time together is limited. Actually there is even more of a need to be honest and congruent precisely because we are apart and could so easily drift. Without any domestic pressures though, this make it so much easier for me. I don’t have to look after Gary in the same way I might do if I were married, so my focus is on him as a person, what he’s doing and how I can contribute to him. I feel it’s the same the other way round. I never wanted to be the ‘Brady Bunch’. I enjoy spending time with my own children and had no wish to help raise anyone else’s kids. My children were 5 and 8 when I divorced and though it doesn’t make sense from a financial point of view to maintain two house-holds, and even though it has been quite tough at times, I love the stability I have been able to create for us by not inviting someone else to live in our home. Our house is a sanctuary for us all and we love it. So now, almost 12 years later, our relationship grows from strength to strength. We take our holidays together, we see each other several times a week, our kids are driving, his son has left home and my youngest is off to university. Life has settled and one day, when the kids have all flown the nest we will move in together. Till then I’ve designed a life and a relationship I love and my job as coach, is to help other people go from breakdown to breakthrough by designing lives and relationships that they love too.

There is Life after Divorce. It’s a different life but it is life. You have two options become bitter and twisted and bore your family and friends, or take the greatest revenge of all – get happy, get out there and get a life. Its what I did, its what thousands of women have done and its what you must do if you want to move forward to the next big romance in your life. Is your heart hurting? Of course it is. But to heal your heart you need to free yourself of thoughts that stop you moving forward and think fabulous thoughts that fast forward you to future that’s bright. Tall order, yes, but the alternative is really not attractive. I know women who are still banging on about how their divorce ruined their lives 10 years later. I know that’s not you, so I have some tried and tested tips to share with you to help you get over it and get on with your life.

Who are you Now?

You may have been together for many years and got your identity tied up with this person. It’s now time to rediscover who you are at this point in your life. What do you want from your life going into the future? What do you want to achieve? What kind of life do you want to live? How do you want to bring up your children? What new choices do you want to make. As a divorce and relationship coach, I help people go from breakdown to breakthrough and emerge from their divorce with their dignity and identity in tact. You may have lost of a sense of your true self, but she is still there. Now’s the time to find out about you and what you want and plan a life that works for you and your family.

Bringing up the Kids

It may well be that you have to work and bring up your kids without much support. Make life as easy as possible for yourself. Get the kids (if they are old enough) to take on responsibilities explaining how much it will help you and them too if everyone pulls together. Offer massive praise for jobs well done and give loads of love even when you are dog-tired. It pays huge dividends in their behaviour, their schoolwork and their adjustment to their new lives. Don’t bad mouth your ex! It’s so hard not too, but ask yourself “for whose benefit am I saying these things”? I think you’ll find its just so you can vent your frustrations. Do your kids really benefit from hearing it though? Be vigilant and if you can’t say anything redeeming say nothing at all.

Taking Care of you

Make sure you take good care of you – you are all you have right now. Good food, exercise, fresh air and sleep is more important than ever. Do what it takes to arrange times for yourself. Pull in favours. Help others when you can and store up your own favours for when you need them. Never say no to offers of support – you need all you can get. However don’t spill yourself all over others. Keep your counsel and your pride. This is your business not dinner party conversation or after school gossip for others who have nothing better to do.

Dating and Kids

So you have three children under 12 and you want to start dating. Why not, you are young and free - you just come with a package. However neither your date nor your kids are going to be that interested in each other. What works is to keep them separate from each other until you are very serious about this man. I would say 4 to 5 months is a good benchmark to experience your new squeeze in the good and not so good moments. Be very sure who this person is before you introduce him to your kids. They have been through some major life changes themselves. Kids don’t divorce parents do. This is not their choice. A replacement may not be what they want or actually need. Keep it cool, keep it light and keep it as much to yourself as possible.

Dating and Your Image

Do you look on the outside how you feel on the inside? How’s your bodywork? Is it worn in places, dented or in need of an MOT? Here’s the bottom line. However much we fight against it, it’s only our girlfriends who’ll love us however we look. Yes, I know you are a lovely person, but lets face it image is important, it always has been and it always will be. Now’s a great time to firm up the flab, get a great new hair cut and get your outside to match up with how you want to feel on the inside. Looking good never harmed anyone and if you look good, you’ll feel good and exude confidence and magnetism.

Dating and the Internet

This is fun but a bit hit and miss. Don’t get too familiar on line. Many people do and then are disappointed when they meet. Leave something left to explore and discover – don’t tell someone your life story on line. Take great care – meet in public and let someone know where you are going. You may have to kiss a few frogs, but many people have found soul mates this way. It’s worth a shot.

Dating Agencies

These are a safer bet, they cost more and they vet you personally. You can spend anything from £1,000 to £15,000 to find your perfect partner and of course you might not. Investments can go up or down, price does not always equal compatibility.

When’s the right time for Sex:

Well certainly not on the first date even if you have been a nun for a year or more! As ever, men will never refuse, but still have little respect for women who give it all away too soon. Someone I knew had sex on the first date because she said she was a ‘grown up’ and ‘playing games’ was not her style. Maybe she’s right, but I’ve yet to meet a man who is that anxious for a second third and fourth date – and needless to say neither has she. Here are the rules:

• 1st date peck on cheek
• At least one week before next date
• Second date peck on cheek
• At least four days before next date
• Third date kiss on lips (not too long)
• 3- 4 days before next date
• Fourth date – more kissing on lips (a bit longer)
• 3-4 days before next date
• Fifth date – more kissing and more intimacy without full sex
• Keep at least 3 days before next date
• 6th Date – its up to you

Give yourself time to get to know someone and build up the desire. Once you have had sex you have crossed the line and begin to move towards intimacy. Keep the suspense and excitement alive for you both. You may have the rest of your lives ahead. What’s the rush?

Step parenting

Unless you have an urge to become the Brady bunch, step parenting is really not easy. Ask anyone who has tried it. It is trying! If you do want to take the plunge, make sure you bring everyone together for a family meeting to discover everyone’s needs. Draw up a family charter of guidelines that everyone has contributed to. Don’t think that will be enough. These are conversations that get tried and tested, reviewed and reworked regularly. Children from both families still need special time with their own parents. Be clear with your new partner about what you want and be very very clear about how each of you communicates with the other’s kids. “You are not my father/mother” is clichéd but said over and over. Still want to go ahead? – then read every book you can get your hands on, on step-parenting, never compare yourself and your ‘Brady bunch’ to any other family and keep communicating through everything. Eventually you’ll win through and I can almost hear you shouting from room to room “good night John Boy” (sorry that’s the Walton’s!)

Above all, never give up on Love. You have loads left to give, and there is definitely that special some one out there just ready to appear when the time is right. Have some fun, have some patience and do whatever you can to enjoy yourself. Take a holiday with the kids even if it’s in a caravan (as I did on my first single holiday). This is just a phase in your life that will pass and your hurt will heal. Hold on to you and your family and you’ll get through it together.